Smile tells the truth but it also tells lies. I hide the feelings I can’t show inside. Locked up in a cage doing jail time, while I go around thinking what’s really on my mind. Going crazy and insane tryna figure out why
Honestly I can’t even remember the last time I cried for myself…no I take that back I do but I shed tears for less then a minute….last night I couldn’t hold it in I thought I would be fine after I spoke to him thinking shit would be alright but as soon as that FaceTime call ended I couldn’t hold it in no more…I just question why me? Why do I have to go through this why couldn’t he just be the perfect being I seem impending my eyes. I’ve done so much in my power to try to prevent this from happening but it did big time. Usually I would be ready and willing to just up and leave no questions asked but…I don’t want to lose him at all. I never wanted to stick to someone so bad besides Richard 3 years of that nonsense but I don’t regret it I lived it and I learned from it. But I know this is different Joey does more for me and he connects more with me. Every moment spent with him is pure happiness. I don’t ever remember feeling like his towards anyone this strong. I’m not scared to face the challenges to reach my dreams I’m not scared to fail but I’m fucking terrified to lose Joey absolutely terrified. I just can’t see anyone in this world connecting and giving with me the way we vibe. The way I can just be myself and he just adds on to the thrill he doesn’t judge me he doesn’t think I’m Ed and even if he does then its us being Ed together. I want to keep him around but I don’t want to get hurt. Even though it already happened I truly believe he’s worth getting hurt for and I honestly don’t care about what anyone has to say about it. The only way I will allow myself to walk out of his life is if he ask me to. And a part of me tells me he doesn’t. Which is all I need at the moment. I wonder what the conversation is gunna be like.